Communication Breakdown

Hunting for ridiculous metal bands is terrific fun if, like me, you live for the activity of invading and assimilating one insular sphere of lore after another. It is admirable to be omnivorous and ever-curious in one's nerdish habit.

I return from expedition with a map of divers and heretofore uncharted lands: The Boschian landscape of exxxtreme rock. I report to the amazement of all that, no matter your walk of life, somewhere to be found cavorting among the multifarious denizens of this former terra incognita is a stygian troupe that's custom-made for you. The beasts are like Cabbage Patch Kids, in that way.

Do you most enjoy vocals delivered as an authoritarian bark, a frenetic shriek, a soaring wail or a bilious grunt? Prefer the tempo oozingly slow, ultrafast or ludicrous speed? Are you most interested in stark social commentary, blasphemous incantations, paeans to viking glory or senseless bloody mayhem? When listening would you rather be compelled to bang your head, bang a slut, slay a dragon, curbstomp a cleric, cower in terror or swallow glass? Someone should code this into a fun Facebook app!!

A brief comment on the figures. Let it be clear that punk rock is ultimately responsible for every twig on the tree save glam metal, doom metal and three of its subspecies. The three main branches of hardcore-inspired metal — thrash, black and death — and their excitable cousin power metal are all outgrowths of the New Wave Of British Heavy Metal (aka speed metal), which was itself a response to the sped-up tempos and aggression of the London punk explosion of 1977.