London Boys, Part I

You're like a kid, you found a puppy now you're dapper
But tell me where the fuck you found an anorexic rapper?
Talking about who you go squabble with and who you shoot...
You're only sixty pounds when you're wet and wearing boots!

The immortal words of Eazy-E, in which the rap legend expresses his sour feelings toward former partner Dr Dre and Dre's young new protégé, Snoop Dogg, whom Eazy finds to be much too thin. You see, Eazy used his drug dealing profits to start a record label and recruited Dre, among other upcoming artists, to form seminal gangsta rap outfit NWA in 1986. But Dre thought Eazy was stealing money from the group, so he split and made a solo record (feat Snoop) dissing Eazy, as well as a music video depicting Eazy suffering misfortunes and death. So Eazy responded in kind with the classic counterstrike, Real Muthaphuckkin G's, on which he disputes Dre's supposed criminal credentials, dismisses as fraudulent Dre's claim to Compton roots, makes disrespectful comments about Dre's puny sidekick, ridicules Dre for an instance of cross-dressing in the early 80s, insinuates that Dre is being disrespected, cheated and abused by his new management, accuses Dre outright of being a mere studio gangster and, the coup de grâce, mocks Dre's poor business skills. The fact is that Eazy's clever financial dealings had put him in receipt of revenues and publishing rights from all of Dre's future projects, so that sales of new Dre records dissing Eazy were just making Eazy richer.

Coda: Eazy-E died in 1995 from the worst ever case of AIDS, the final and most brilliant demonstration of his superior street cred.

I know this story by heart thanks to the peerless instruction I received in my college dormitory. Initially confounded by why my roommate, a pasty North Shore Jew, would be so enthusiastic about rap and so knowledgeable about the byzantine lore of rap feuds, I came gradually to some appreciation. Being subjected to an endlessly shuffled and looping syllabus, played loudly and without interruption day and night for weeks on end, running automatically whether my dear roommate was present or not, I had little choice. Ask me some time about the Ten Crack Commandments.

What I learned is the art and humor of braggadocio. There is a crazy thrill to rap as a spectator sport, an arena that glorifies outsize personalities for whom absurd pomposity is just warm-up. An outrageous insult is typically countered by an impossible claim, and it's Wrestlemania. Fundamentally the artists are playing with language, trying to impress with clever verbiage and stylized, highly personal delivery. Delights may range from unexpected diction to disarming use of the obvious — such as when, say, Biggie realizes he can rhyme fuck with fuck.